lowercase and the black cloud


i like using lowercase letters because it's just so much friendlier than using initial caps. lowercase says "hi, i don't take stuff too seriously." lowercase says "hi, i don't take myself too seriously." lowercase says "hi, fuck the rules." lowercase is playful.

when i order stuff online - which is a lot cuz i hate shopping in real stores with real people, ew - often times after i've very deliberately typed in "k" or "r" or "c" or whatever, the fucking form will auto-correct and capitalize those letters which really pisses me off cuz, hey!, i used lowercase letters on purpose, asshole. then, of course, i have to go back and manually correct each and every cap letter. why do i take the time to do something that really doesn't matter in the scope of anything that matters, is a massive waste of time and is clearly very ocd?

i don't know.

maybe i have ocd too. and when i say too, i mean in addition to depression and adhd. i'm kind of a mess but, on the bright side, i'm also a pharmaceutical company's dream-girl so, i'm kind of doing my part to help the economy - right?

i'm not really a mess but it's true i do battle the little, and sometimes not so little, black cloud. my doctor calls it "major depressive disorder." whatever. the cloud comes and goes, unannounced, whenever it damn well pleases and there's nothing (more) i can do about it. i say more because i'm already on drugs so i mean, really, what else can i do? change my diet? fuck that, i already eat really well. exercise more? i exercise plenty. stop drinking sapphire and tonics? as if.

before i got used to the cloud's visits i used to freak out when it came and think that i was going down, for good. i used to think that it was the beginning of the end - an abysmal downward spiral into the depths of never-to-returndom. but, after it had come to visit enough times, i realized that eventually, it left. kind of like bad house guests. honestly, are there any good house guests?

when my "house guest" knocks, i get a sharp pang in my gut and my world comes to a screeching halt. the cloud is that demanding. i strap on my seat belt, cancel plans and disappear until it's had it's way with me. waiting for the cloud to leave is brutal - literally painful. all i want to do is curl up in a ball and die. seriously. i want to do, exactly, nothing. i want to see, exactly, no one. i don't even go on my computer, much less shop online, and i don't give two shits about lowercase or caps or anything. it's that bad.

and it's way hard on my family cuz i, literally, go blank. it's like someone vacuumed the personality right out of me and left a blank outer shell of me standing there with nothing to give. but, because my husband and girls are amazing, they understand. they know that it has nothing whatsoever to do with them and everything to do with my own private personal fucked up chemistry. they know to give me and my cloud the space we need to get through the visit.

my family knows that i will, eventually, reemerge when the coast is clear and my personality has returned. they know that in time, i will be back shopping online and cursing at screen when the order forms auto-correct my letters. they know i'm back when i take the time to do something that really doesn't matter, in the scope of anything that matters, is a massive waste of time and is clearly very ocd.

xo, kim